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:iconshwiggs-kirths: More from Shwiggs-Kirths


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Submitted on
December 24, 2012
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Return to me that which is lost.
Be it now or mid-winter's frost.
My template of water and stone.
My pen of tooth and bone.
My parchment of fine, soft sand,
and my heart you hold in your hand.

Template of water and stone,
To lay the foundation.
Pen of tooth and bone,
to enkindle a population.
Parchment of fine soft sand,
to wash away my proclamation.
My heart you hold in your hand,
to begin the cycle of restoration.
Wrote this one a while back, like about 5 or 6 months to be approximate
:iconthecrazymagnet:
It feels like something is missing from this poem, although I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Perhaps it's that it's never entirely clear what was lost - was it the template of water and stone? Or the ensemble of writing materials? This and other things in the piece are not clear, and while ambiguity can leave room for a reader's own interpretation, I feel that this is too ambiguous.

Also, the single reference to seasonal changes seems incomplete, since everything else in the poem is so thematically related. The narrator speaks of these four items and they are clearly the focus of the poem, so the throwaway line about winter's frost seems out of place. In my opinion that idea should either be removed or expanded upon.

The final eight lines feel full of emotion, but devoid of true meaning. I'm confused as to why each of the four items is used the way it is used and not some other way, I'm confused as to who is using them, and I'm confused as to what the user's goal is. I'm honestly just confused. This poem rolls beautifully off the tongue (except for a few minor errors in meter) but seems devoid of any real depth. I'd suggest re-evaluating word choice for meaning over aesthetic value - both are important, but they need to be in balance.
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